In Gays We Trust
Updated: May 30, 2022
The word packs a punch, doesn't it? Think about how many times a day we put our trust in other people and things. I personally put my trust in many people and things. For instance, I trust that my cell phone is going to wake me up in the morning. I trust that the garbage will be picked up and hauled away. I trust that after lighting my green "Ven Dinero" candle from the Witchy Store, I will no doubt be slathered with lots and lots of money. I also trust that although there has been lead paint found in my home, I will not be poisoned, for I now refrain from crawling on the floor and putting my toys in my mouth.
TRUST is essential in everyday life. Where do we put our money? In a trust. How do you fall into other people's open arms at summer camp? With trust. Issues are best when served with a side of? . . . TRUST!
We trust other people with our lives. OUR lives! Doctors, nurses, dentists (sometimes), you trust the guy that straps you into a bungee jump harness to jump off a bridge! You trust the Uber driver to get you home safely when you're blacked out drunk in the back seat of their car and you trust pilots to fly you in a metal twinkie of filth. Just to name a few trustees.
We even trust people with some of our most valuable real estate: Our secrets.
Your best friends know everything about you, your middle school guidance counselor could have ruined you at school, and the Catholic priest has had the dirty on you for years!
But, lest we forget . . . the gays.
Some very interesting things happened to me when I came out of the closet. I, of course, was happier and had more self-acceptance, I realized that I look fabulous in body glitter, and best of all - I instantly became the person to whom straight people wanted to tell all their dirty little secrets.
That's right, me! Your neighborhood friendly gaychologist. My homo power now compels every straighty, from here to Timbuctoo, to rattle off their life sexploitations without hesitation. Straight men and woman alike can't wait to toe the sexual line with a gay person. Spewing tales of genre and fetish porn, personal experimentation with same sex partners, aka "that-one-time-in-college", and salacious recounts of toy usage and lube preferences.
Me, a gay: "Oh, hey Denise! It's so nice to see you-"
Denise: " Oh, I've had a threesome once."
Me, a gay: (Nods) " . . . Okay. . . "
Me, a gay: "Rhonda, before you sign this document - "
Rhonda: "Sometimes, when my husband isn't around, I watch Bear porn."
Me, a gay: "Alright."
Me, a gay: "Market numbers are looking good Jerome-"
Jerome: "You know, sometimes . . I let my wife peg me."
. . .
Me, a gay: "Oh, yeah? Strap on or do you prefer manual?"
Pegging is actually very common.
What is this power we hold? Are we gays the gate keepers for the sex club of the cool kids? Are we merely a safe place for those still hiding to confide? "Come all ye straight people, and surf upon the waves of queer! For the unorthodox sexual undertow will cleanse thine soul and drench thine loins in sparkles and fairy dust!" (Dr. Lube-Goblins, The Divine Gay: Homo Books, 2022.)
Now, rest assured, gay persons do not take this inheritance lightly. We will hold true the virtuous duty of trust. Feel free to tell us every juicy, naughty, sacrilegious secret that you've been itching to let out! For the gays are forever the holder of these secrets and we will refuse to discharge them under any circumstances!
Well . . . unless we're playing the game "Straight Friends Secrets" at a homo party, then we're definitely airing that dirty laundry, trust me!