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  • Stephanie Lee Bourgeois

Spider Web Squeeze

Updated: Feb 1

When a spider is spinning its web, does it have to squeeze its butt the entire time? This question has kept me up for more nights than I'd like to admit. Imagine having to squeeze your butt muscles for hours and hours just to catch food! Imagine how sore your butt would be the next morning. Imagine waiting entire days for something to fly into your creation - your butt creation - only to destroy your hard work and ultimately taste like your own butt juice. What a buttload of crap.


This is not how spiders spin their webs, as I have learned from the internet-opedia. A spider spins its web out of a silk gland somewhere in the abdomen and in close proximity to a spinneret - which is I think a fancy word for sphincter.


Spiders fascinate me. And while I have killed quite a few spiders in my day - Shout out to "The Spidey Killers," cir. 2007, Las Cruces, NM - I have always held them in high regard. For they are a hard-working group . . . most of the time, when they're not lying in wait. And they are to be revered!


So what if they hang out all day on their poop strings, eager for a tiny, unsuspecting ant or moth to get stuck. On tenterhooks, ever so softly atop a labyrinth of fecal twine. Glistening above sticky, soiled ropes of terror that taunt the ever-twirly gnat who made the mistake of flying too close.


"To be unstuck you cannot!" Says the poop spider to the gnat behind squinty eyes and hairy fangs. The unfortunate gnat, dead in his tracks, whimpers through his final breath. Every ounce of the gnat's courage is mustered as he sends out his last words -


"GOODBYE CRUEL WORL - ... ugh, this spider's web really tastes like shit."

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